Hey there Thrax,

While you've been answering questions on revenge, I thought I'd throw another one at you. I used to have this friend that I was quite close with, even if we didn't spend a lot of time together. Well, he went away for a while, and when he came back, it turned out that all that stuff he said about being an important friend, etc. was a bunch of harpy excrement. Sure, I could have a "heart-to-heart" talk with him, but I would much rather have a "rip the bloody and still beating heart out, rub in fleur de sel (expensive extra-salty salt), dice up, broil, and serve it back to him with a nice bitter endive salad with cider vinegar dressing" sort of experience. What do you think?

-Bitterly-pissed-off

Dear Bitterly,

I know all about friends who are only friends when it's convenient. Way back when, I roomed with an old school demon friend of mine, Skeezix. We had a small dungeon flat on the outskirts of Lake of Fire. We were the best of pals, the kind of guys who'd bring his friend a pure virgin on a Friday night just for the Hell of it. But things went sour, as they always do. After I got kicked out of Hell and started earthwalking, we drifted out of contact. We'd send each other a d-mail message every century or so, but after a while, we were just acquaintances. And did he bother to visit me ONCE during my thousand-year imprisonment is solid stone? Nope. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to him. Last I heard, he was working for the Board of Regents in Lake of Fire.

Anyway, enough reminiscing. I think you've already got a great revenge planned out. He ripped out your heart metaphorically, so you're going to literally return the favor. I love the bit about the salt; not only does that add to the insult, but it will preserve the meat of the heart if you want to save it for a later date (i.e. hang it from the Antichristmas tree, give it to a trick or treater, keep it on your mantle as a conversation piece at parties, etc.). There's only one flaw I see: your former friend, being mortal, will probably die in the time it takes to prepare and serve him his heart. Obviously, you want him to be alive for this to enjoy the delicious irony and salad. So here's my suggestion: after you rip out his heart, hook him up to a life-support machine and artificial heart so he doesn't hemorrhage to death. This will give you enough time to prepare his heart for serving. Also, the victim can have the added horror of watching you prepare his final meal. What a heartwarming experience for all involved!

Stay fresh,