Dear Duamerthrax,

I have a confession to make. I am a sex addict. I can't get enough of it. If I could arrange it, all I would do all day long is hump, hump, hump. I have taken to using strange leather devices and blow-up additions. Some of my 17 partners are turned on by this, while others are not so interested.

The problem is that this addiction to sex has started taking a toll on my social life. Your co-workers look at you differently when they find out you are addicted to sex. (It probably didn't help that they walked in on the boss and I porking on the copying machine... which was on a 200 copy cycle) People assume you are a bad person, a deviant who should perhaps be ostracized from the entirety of society, wrapped in a straight jacket and placed in a padded room.(which I might not mind for an evening if I could bring a partner... or two). So, Duamerthrax, how do I deal with my sex-machine drive, and still carry out normal social relations with co-workers and friends?

-Throbbin' in Dublin

Dear Throbbin',

I think your best bet is to embrace your overabundant sex drive and continue to live life as you have. So what if people think your behavior is deviant? Fuck 'em! Literally! See how much flak they give you once they're bleeding from every orifice. The challenge is to make your unique gift work for you. See if you can find a job testing the structural integrity of condoms. See if you can get a construction job as a rivet driver. Or, see if you can break into that magical, mystical profession so many set their sights on in college: porn. If you believe in yourself, you can do it. Do it! You can! Yes! Yes! Do it! Oh God yes! Do it harder! Harder! Yes! Yes! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna! Yes! Oh God! Kaboom!