Dear Duamerthrax,

In a previous "Dear Duamerthrax" you stated that it was easy to get legal rights to someone else's soul. I'd like to start building a soul inventory so that I can bargain with a demon whenever I need something (not enough change in the drive thru, need more gas, etc.) I've done some checking on eBay, and I've noticed that they've got several souls for sale, for instance "The Soul of Tiger Woods." ($3.50) or "The Soul of Abe Lincoln" ($4.75). They all seem to come in book form. My questions are: Is a volume of text the preferred method for capture and containment of souls? I've noticed that God and Allah have had quite a bit of success with this method... what do you use? Do you have any tips on soul capturing for a novice?

-Future Soul Wrangler

Dear Wrangler,

I think you've taken a figure of speech literally. We in the soul trade often refer to "capturing souls" when we're out to diversify our portfolios. However, what we don't do is corner some innocent and rip his soul out of his body. Believe me, if we could, we would. Unfortunately, souls must be given, bought, or bartered away; they can't be stolen. So when we say we're going to go "capturing souls," what we mean is that we're going to go make some offers, and through mortal greed and downright trickery get some power hungry fools to fork over the only part of their existence that is immortal. Swell, huh?

As for soul containment, many demons prefer agrippas, tomes of darkness, or cursed and trapped chests. I use tupperware. I find it keeps the souls fresher than those musty old texts. But hey, to each his own. Also, I think those eBay auctions are phony. The soul of Abe Lincoln will easily get you at least fifty bucks, while the soul of Tiger Woods was bought years ago for godlike golf skills. How can that not be obvious?