Dear Duamerthrax,

What's the best way to summon a demon? I know a pentagram is required (what puzzles me is, should it be on the floor, or on the wall as in Larry Niven's "Convergent Series" in which the demon appears with hands, feet and head at the points of the pentagram. Naturally in such a situation, a demon would refuse to appear if the position of the pentagram meant he'd be lying spread-eagled on the floor.), and a sacrifice. What sort of chants should be used, and what's the best sacrifice? A virgin human? A goat or chicken? Blood drained from the scrotum and burned on scented tissue?

And on the subject of summoning, why is it that we never hear of angels being summoned? Do they not want the souls to go to Heaven, or something? I know from Genesis that God accepts sacrifices, but prefers animal to vegetable or mineral (from the story of Cain and Abel). Seems to me, the perfect entertainment would be to summon an angel and a demon and watch them battle each other over one's soul. Or would such a battle destroy the world, as I have heard? (all that "if light and darkness should ever both battle in elemental form in the world of mortals, all shall revert to primal chaos" business)

-Would-be Mage in Washington

Dear Mage,

A pentagram is needed, but where it's located really isn't important. The pentagram serves as a conduit and an anchor, providing the point of arrival of the summoned demon and a boundary that the demon cannot cross until an agreement has been reached. Summoning chants vary from place to place and religion to religion; any one should suffice. The sacrifice is another matter entirely. See, the sacrifice is what gets the demon's attention; its the first offer for the demon's services. So you don't want to skimp on it. I prefer virgin souls, because those are so rare down here. I don't know what kind of perverted infernal fuck you'd get with your burning scrotum fluid.

To answer your second question, the reason you never hear about angels being summoned is that angels are not summoned. Angels enter and exit the mortal realm as they please; they don't need to be summoned or pass through a breach in the time-space continuum to pay the material world a visit. The reason: Heaven won the Celestial War. Open angelic borders was a concession Satan signed in the armistice. If things had turned out differently, demons would be everywhere, and angels would have to be summoned to help the meek inherit the Earth.

As for your last weird ass question, the world would not be destroyed by an angel and demon in conflict in the material world. Before you throw your quote back at me, recognize that it says the angel and demon must "battle in elemental form in the world of mortals." No one fights in elemental form anymore; it's way out of date. Shit, the last angel who tried to throw down with me in elemental form came at me as a pillar of earth, and I pile-drove that fucker into a tar pit and lit the sludge with an echoing blast from my fiery bowels. Once an angel came at me as a wall of fire, but I'd just finished draining a Bavarian beer garden, and I extinguished that harpboy in a torrential shower of orange, hops-smelling demon piss. So nodoby fights in elemental form anymore, at least nobody who stands a chance of winning.